THE PATH TO life is one that leads away from illusion to reality. The unawakened person identifies himself with his surroundings, his conditioning, and his personal attributes and deficiencies. He does not know of an inner core of true identity, which we have called the personal self, remembering once more that this is the reflection and guide to the spiritual self, or soul, that directs an integrated person.
To know oneself as a focus of unique awareness with a personal capacity for responding to outer circumstances is daunting to many people. They would rather follow in the wake of their fellows and do the thing that is accepted (and therefore "right") than move out into the unknown in a trail blazed with personal integrity. The way of self-awareness comes by the experience of life itself. It is in our responses to a variety of events, especially the ones that are unexpected, that we see ourselves most starkly bereft of those attributes we value most highly. This exterior way towards self-knowledge is much more practical than the way opened by psychological exercises of self-discovery based on analytic theory and the practice of meditation.
In my own life I have usually seen myself most revealingly (and also most unfavourably) when I have been taken off my guard by an unanticipated occurrence. It is easy enough to be charming and accommodating to another person when one is at one's ease. It is quite another thing to be civil when one is doing something else or is anxious and depressed. The selfishness that is so much a part of natural man comes out very strongly when he is disturbed in some way, or his equilibrium is shattered.
Self-awareness consists in being able to face oneself as one is, during a particular sequence of events. Self-knowledge is a gradual understanding of the full nature of one's personality with its soul as the centre and place of direction. The way of self-knowledge is the path to life eternal, for one cannot have any considerable understanding of the self that does not include a knowledge of God immanent in the soul also. The journey to the height of reality is also the journey within oneself. And just as one cannot scale the heights without first coming to terms with the rubble that litters the foot-hills, so one cannot come to the pearl of great price, the soul, that lies deep within each of us until one has first encountered, mastered, and transmuted the dark elements of the unconscious that obscure the inner light. It is in the moment of self-awareness, which should be every moment of our lives if we were living abundantly, that the whole range of our personality is laid bare before us. What we see may not, in the first instance, be very attractive, but if we persist we are shown that we are even now in the form of eternal life.
Recollectedness
It is a well recognised discipline of the spiritual life that a period should be spent each night in recollection of what we have done, and how we have comported ourselves during the day. This period of recollection brings us back to the way we have revealed ourself to others (and ourself) during the stress of relationships, and as such gives us a useful self-portrait of how we stand at the moment. This discipline should not be regarded as one of morbid introspection or a painstaking analysis of possible motives for every action we have performed. God alone can judge the heart; we have to consider the action itself and what it shows us about ourselves. The practice of awareness in everyday life is one way of developing a conscious response to the details of our surroundings instead of moving around in the witless state of a sleepwalker which too often characterises unawakened man. Nevertheless, this type of exercise in willed awareness and response is tiring and mechanical; in itself it will eventually wane through sheer fatigue and boredom.
This same criticism applies to those schools of inner development which teach their disciples to think and observe themselves carefully before they say or do anything. If this advice were carried out to the letter, the person would lose his spontaneity and his capacity for lightning changes in conduct that may follow fluctuations in outer circumstances. The right way to cultivate self-awareness is to act spontaneously as the situation demands, and then later to meditate quietly and earnestly on that response. Was it part of my desired reaction to such a situation? If not, how did it betray my good intentions, and why did I do it? A few fairly mundane experiences of this type can shatter the imposing façade of learning or respectability we have built around ourselves (Jung's "persona", or mask), and reveal depths of fear, envy, jealousy, and resentment that are seldom confronted directly. The important point is that we of ourselves cannot know, in our present state of development, what is our best way of progress in life. Certainly it is possible to develop a particular aptitude or talent by painstaking practice, but life, and how best we are to live it, is above any personal cultivation.
There is, indeed, only one aim worth considering in life, and that is to become a person, authentic in uniqueness and full of the Spirit of God in fellowship. Material success is in itself to be regarded as a by-product of proper living; while not to be disparaged, it is only an incident on the way towards the fulfilment of the whole person.
Vocation and Self-Fulfilment
How often in one's early years does one aim at emulating the success of someone else who acts as an ideal model! Sometimes the society in which one lives foists this model upon one, and for a considerable time one may really believe one is happy in this role. But the time will come when one's true identity asserts itself, often forcibly and with little finesse, and disrupts the façade that has been erected around oneself. There are, in this respect, two approaches to inner authenticity. One approach lies in following a particular way of life, be it professional or religious, from one's earliest years of decision and carrying on to the end with perseverance. The other approach, which is much less comfortable and satisfactory in respect of the world's demands for compliance, consists in following an inner impulse that leads to the fulfilment of oneself. This is a way that promises no certain outer security, but may bring in its train a fully integrated person. Neither approach is to be seen as the right one except in relation to the person himself. The faithful adherence to a chosen way of life can be justified only if his decision is accompanied by a sense of vocation - a calling from the Spirit to follow the path in faith to the glory of that path and of the One Who is that path. If the way is chosen for motives of crude selfishness and a demand for security, one will quite literally, if one is successful, gain the whole world at the expense of one's true self. On the other hand, following an inner impulse that leads to no certain destination or reward at the outset can be justified only if the real desire of the person is towards exploring the deep things of God. In such a way much of his inner nature will be revealed in the search, and he will be more aware of the spirit within him. But if there is no inner drive towards meaning, the life of such a person will drift aimlessly into feckless self-indulgence and all too easily end in corruption.
Self-Acceptance
This is why the way of self-awareness is really the way of attunement to the Holy Spirit. Amongst the properties of the Spirit is that of leading us into all truth. The first truth to be learned is the position of the person as he now stands. The Spirit is to lead us into truth and wholeness, unlike our unredeemed personal will which is concerned with security and superiority over others. We learn by seeing ourselves as we really are - in work, in difficult relationships, in danger, in illness, and approaching death. We cannot prepare for these effectively by any act of assertive will. We have rather to trust and to act, and in the expression of that action see ourselves in our nakedness. Then comes the period of recollection, which is really a personal extension of the confession of sin that plays an important part in all the world's higher religions. Of ourselves we cannot alter our adverse response to difficult situations; indeed, such a change would, on this level, be one of unconcealed self-seeking. Even if we chastised ourselves for losing our temper in a taxing situation, or behaving uncharitably when we should have flowed out in succour to someone in need, there is every probability that we still behave inadequately in the future, even if we resolve to check ourselves by intensive self-observation beforehand. The reason is that the motive is impure and selfish: it is the "image" we are projecting that disturbs us rather than our own inner corruption, which is known only to us and to God. By an act of personal will I can regulate my outer activities so as to deceive not only other people but also myself as to my true nature. I may certainly become more efficient and materially successful, but I am further away from my centre than ever.
If, on the other hand, I acknowledge the darkness that is mine and lift it up to God in prayer, He will, through His healing grace, effect an inner transformation of my psyche, so that I will be driven by love and compassion for others and not by motives of self-improvement. The human mind has great difficulty in accepting the free, boundless grace of God; it can only accept that for which it pays. This is part of the terrible sin of pride. The Parable of the Publican and the Pharisee is a perfect demonstration of this spiritual law: the one who is mighty in his own estimation and whose rectitude shines before men believes that his external actions have justified him, and yet he has no love in his heart. The one who is miserable and abased has no outer attribute to justify him and is derelict before his Maker; he shall be filled with good things because he, realising his lack and free from all pride, is ready to receive them. The love of God fills his soul, and his actions will from henceforth flow from him in unceasing love for others. Love is never dammed up or reserved, but flows with the Holy Spirit to the ends of the world.
Self-Love The paradox about self-awareness is that once we have achieved it we should let it go. It is far removed from the self consciousness of the selfish man grasping for material or spiritual gifts to boost the self that he really hates, or that of the neurotic person enslaved by the imagined contempt of others for the self that he despises. It is the way towards self-acceptance and a gratitude to God that we are as fully ourselves as He has made us, defects included no less than gifts and talents. This is what is meant by self-love, a love that we are instructed to afford our neighbours equally as ourselves. Once we can accept ourselves as we are and can love our life as we find it, we can move progressively from self-concern to concern for others, until the moment of supreme sacrifice comes when we are able to give up ourselves entirely for the highest we know - love of the brethren and of God. And it is then that we pass from the death of self-centredness to the eternal life of the Spirit (1 John 3:14).
Dreams and Self-Awareness
During sleep the conscious self lies dormant, and the contents of the unconscious are able to escape its censorial power and make themselves known to us in dreams. We now know through neurological research that dreaming is an integral part of the process of sleep, but only sporadically do our dreams make a sufficiently strong impression for us to remember them. Some people have a very active dream-life, while others deny dreaming altogether.
To the aware person a dream can be a vivid pointer to the state of the submerged psyche from where arise the drives that dominate our conscious life. Often the dream is an obvious reaction to some particular situation in which we find ourselves, but even then it has something to tell us about our deeper attitudes and fears. We are much closer to the truth about ourselves when we dream than when we are fully conscious and in a position of vantage; indeed, the two great moments of truth when we really begin to know ourselves are during an unexpected crisis and when we are asleep to the world but awake to the psychic realm, which includes not only our own unconscious but also the collective unconscious of the human race and the psyche of those outside our private realm, even in the life beyond death.
Much dream material presents itself to us in symbols, and the various schools of psychodynamic theory have their own schemes of interpreting these symbols. The fact that there are different modes of interpreting dreams tells us that there is no final true interpretation that does not come from the person himself. If we can afford the patience and work necessary to record and analyse our more vivid dreams, we will achieve not only self-awareness but also self-knowledge. In my own life I spent a number of years with a group of like-minded seekers, discussing and analysing our various dreams according to Jungian principles. I found the experience liberating and reassuring, but there came a time when I knew that this approach to self-awareness had fulfilled its purpose, at least as far as I was concerned. In my experience the most useful dreams have been those that related to a present circumstance or a past memory and showed that my unconscious reaction to these was at variance with my conscious attitude.
When I have felt assured about my rectitude over certain matters, I have very frequently had a deflating dream that has shown me how weak and unsure I really was of my own case. When I have felt enmity towards others, a corrective dream has shown me all too clearly that I was far from blameless in the matter. The shadow that represents the dark, earthy part of our personality, and may even appear demonic to our well-bred, conscious selves, is often clearly delineated in dreams. And it has to be accepted and loved before the psychic energy it commands can be properly integrated into the personality. But there are often a number of trends even in a single dream; what may be reactive to a present situation may also indicate a hidden attitude, and furthermore include material to be experienced in the future. This precognitive aspect of dreams emphasises their psychic content, and I personally believe that our dream life prepares us for the early stages of the life that follows death of the physical body.
It is for these reasons that no one other than the dreamer himself can give an authoritative interpretation, though the findings of psycho-analysts, especially the Jungians, who are the most broadly based of the various schools, can be of great help, for many symbols are of archetypal significance, having been in general psychic currency since man first came to himself. While it is important not to be obsessional in our quest after dreams, we should make written notes at once - for dreams are very fleeting and are easily forgotten - of those that haunt us when we awaken from our sleep. If the meaning is obscure it is wise to meditate on the dream in silence. In that silence one should pray that the meaning may be revealed. If we wait patiently we will seldom be disappointed, and when the meaning is shown, it will usually astound us by its forthrightness and simplicity.
As I have already said, there usually comes a time when this type of painstaking analysis becomes unnecessary. This coincides with increasing personal integration, but even then we will experience occasional dreams of great magnitude that demand attention and elucidation. Like all other activities, dream analysis can become a dangerous habit if undertaken to the exclusion of all else. Many punctilious dream recorders are self-centred and introspective. In the spiritual life balance and discrimination are essential, and one's dream life must always be complemented by active life in the world at the same time. This means caring for others, and not being immersed only in oneself. There are those who deny ever having dreams, but I suspect that when they move in the direction of greater personal authenticity, their unconscious life will move also and flower into a real revelation of their personality. For the Christian, the Bible is a great treasury of dreams and visions and their interpretation. From Jacob and Joseph through Daniel to Peter and Cornelius there is a golden thread of psychic understanding that the aspirant would do well to reflect on.
In this respect it is useful to distinguish between a dream and a vision. Dreams come to us when the conscious mind and the body are asleep, whereas visions are revelations that appear from the superconscious when the person is fully awake, indeed so awake that he no longer functions from the personal self but rather from the spiritual self. Information of cosmic dimensions may be imparted in this state, which is related to mystical awareness inasmuch as in both the consciousness has moved from the personal self to the spiritual self. But there is no experience of union, which is the acid test of mysticism. The visions of Isaiah (6:1-8) and Ezekiel (1:4-28) are the very impress of the transcendent God on the human soul and form the point of contact between visionary and mystical experience. They speak not of the person's condition but of the person's duty and work in the service of God. In other words, a true vision has cosmic dimensions, whereas a dream is predominently personal in scope, though it too can have highly spiritual overtones. Dreams and visions are both dramatic manifestations of the psychic realm of life, and are ways of showing us our relationship with all created things and with God.